Top 21 things an Indian does after returning to India from the "US"

21. Tries to use credit cards in a road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of being health conscious.
19. Sprays deo so that he doesn't need to take bath.
18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.  

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
says "Yogurt" instead of "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, he will say Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four) 

16. Doesn't forget to crib about the air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep inside multiplies by 4 5). 

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When he needs to say Z (zed), he never says Z (Zed), instead repeats "Zee" several times, and if the other person is unable to get it, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

11. Writes the date in MM/DD/YYYY. On watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and the Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

8. Avoids eating spicy food.

7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke. Eats Pizza instead of Dosa.

6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time. Asks questions etc. about India as though its his first visit to India.

5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".

4. Looks suspiciously towards any Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important ones:
3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of the Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India and tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads. 

The Ultimate one 

1. Tries to begin any conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US...".

Dead lock

Boss says to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangements.

Secretary makes a call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband makes a call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together.

Secret lover makes a call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy makes a call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Let's spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss) makes a call to his secretary. This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary makes a call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, so we cancelled our trip.

Husband makes a call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife had to cancel her trip.

Secret lover makes a call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy makes a call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa makes a call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangements.

This is called a DEAD LOCK !!!!

DDLJ Superheroes style

Wolverine Style:

Baldev Singh (Amrish Puri) asks Raj to give his immortality and he will let him marry his daughter.
Instead Raj kills Baldev and gets Simran to marry Kuljeet. Raj lives for next 300 years.

Spiderman Style:

Raj becomes Spider-man after bitten by a spider in local train toilet. Raj loves Simran and Simran loves spider-man. While Kuljeet becomes green goblin to fight Spider-man. Finally Simran marries Raj only because he is a Bollywood photographer.

Captain America Style:

Raj and Simran meet in German WWII camp. After getting height enlargement surgery, Raj was able to talk to Baldev face-to-face. Baldev tries to flee with Simran in a train, Raj is able to stop the train using his special shield. The train blows off and Raj wakes up 100 years later in Navi Mumbai.

Iron Man Style:

Raj is rich technology tycoon in London who gets kidnapped by Baldev and Kuljeet and taken to India. He manages to escape them by building a self powered suit. Finally there is a fight between Baldev and Raj. Raj Wins. There is no Simran in the movie.

Celeb's children

Two Young girls, a blonde and brunette, student at a high profile prep school in LA, are eating lunch and flipping through celebrity magazine.

Blonde: Oh my god, I forgot to tell you! My mom is getting remarried!
Brunette: No way, to who?
Blonde flips through the magazine and points to a famous Hollywood director
.
.
Brunette (excited): Oh! you will love him! He was my dad last year!!

Pregnant lady

A three-year old Boy walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's clinic.
Boy: Why is your stomach so big?
Lady: Because I am having a baby
Boy: Is the baby inside your stomach?
Lady: Yes, it is
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Lady: Oh, yes. A really good baby
.
.
Boy (shocked): Then why did u eat him?

Weird things spoken by IT guys

Some stuff that only IT guys say which sound weird in real world

1. I loaded the dump today morning
2. I tried again but am not able to reproduce
3. An illegal argument was passed
4. That will be an illegal abortion
5. My life is a dangling pointer
6. My windows broke, now I am trying to work on shell

Reactions after #पोर्न_बैन

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• Why did I format my hard disk?? - cried engineering students
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• Just before 69th Independence Day, India bans porn
• Guys have started selling their porn stash, on olx and quikr with premium price
• Next generation will never understand the importance of incognito tab or clear history button in Internet browsers