Forgetting wife's birthday

Husband forgot to wish his wife a happy birthday. He came home late at night from the office...

His wife shouted: How would you feel if you didn't see me for the next few days? 
He couldnt believe his luck. He replied at once: '' Wowww... That would be great..!'' 

Monday passed, and he didn't see her...

Tuesday, he didnt see her

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Wednesday passed too
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On Thursday the swelling was better and he could see her from the corner of his left eye... :D

Computer programming jokes (functions)

What did the suicidal function say? "GOODBYE WORLD"

How do functions break up? "They stop calling each other!"

When is a function a bad investment? "When there's no return"

What happened to the function that ran away? "It never returned"

When do two functions fight? "When they have arguments"

In what unit do you measure a function's length? "In Para meters..."

What did the flirtatious function say? "Call me ;)"

What happened to all the illegal exceptions? "They were all caught!"

What do threads do after they make love? "They go to sleep"

Why do we rarely see a program with crooked teeth? "Because most of them have braces"

Fool's day phone pranks

1.

Caller: Hello, Pooja hai?

Receiver: Nahi..

Caller: to karva lo...

:D

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2.

Caller: Hello, kya aapka phone (or fridge, TV etc) chal raha hai?

Receiver: Haan

Caller: Pakad ke rakho nahi to bhaag jaayega..

:D

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3.

Take your friends phone and exchange phone number of his wife's with your number and message him 'Bring 5kg tomato when you come home'.

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Poor Husbands

A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called, 'Husband - the master of the house'?"

Sales girl: "Sir, Fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"
:)

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Posted by an alert husband:

Every time I talk to my wife, my mind reminds me that... 'This conversation may be recorded for Training and Quality purposes' :(

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Headache

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you tokiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"

Nadella's Indian Relatives

Conversation between Nadella and Relatives..

Nadella: I am CEO of Microsoft.

Relative: you dint get into Infy?

Nadella: Dont you know Microsoft? We make Windows!

Relative: You studied so much to end up being a carpenter?

Nadella: Not real Windows, we make and sell Windows Software.

Relative: People buy Windows? We thought it was open source and available on all torrent websites.

Nadella: Thats Piracy! 

Relative: No! Its Windows, What kind of CEO are you?

Nadella: Im the CEO of Microsoft, not just windows.

Relative: Oh ok ok. Bring us iPods and IPhones when you return.

Nadella: .......................

The Fallen

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. 

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Man: Ten quid.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 pack costs £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No.


Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?